the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
