This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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