peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
