So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
