I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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