Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
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we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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