I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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