so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
