omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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