Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Randomize
