The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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