Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
