i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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