I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
