My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
