today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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