im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
