i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I need to calm my uterus...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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