the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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