If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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