I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
