i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
