If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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