1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
