I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
