That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
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No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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