I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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