i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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