You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
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As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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