I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
