I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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