genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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