I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
