My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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