So drunk its hurt
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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