I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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