Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I seem to have left my pride at pride
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
