Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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