Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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