You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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