it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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