life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
