Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
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she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes