Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
