Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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