If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
