my vag is so smooth its legendary
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
