3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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