I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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