Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
