Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
