since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
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he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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