Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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