Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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