i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize