broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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